...and we're back in the land of despair. Not really sure what the point of my life is, not really sure who I am, not really sure what I want to do, and often being blocked or disappointed when I do pursue things I want. I alternate between feeling really bright and excited about everything I've got going on here, and realising I actually have very little going on here. But if you tell me I'm just being aimless and I need to get a real job, I'll punch your face in. I wish I had a real job, and I feel like a massive failure for not having a bright sparkly promising career like so many friends my age have. And what on earth am I supposed to do? I know it's not strictly true, but I feel like the things I'm interested in and good at aren't really employable. I'm so ashamed of myself. And I don't want to be a stay-at-home mum. I suspect getting pregnant just coz you're bored isn't the best life-choice.
I'm so unhappy here, but I remember my life back in Melbourne and realise that towards the end of my time there, I wasn't really happy there either, and I was just hanging out for this fresh start in America. It makes me feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm just hoping that with a combination of time and effort, I can outrun the huge black hole for periods of time. And as Janet says, I haven't been here for nine months yet; I haven't birthed my Houston "baby".
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